It’s been a long time since my last blog. A lot of changes in my life have occurred. I moved back uptown to my house where my Wasband(ex) and three kids grew up in. I moved back in and so did my daughter and family move there while they were building a house. It was kind of strange. My bedroom that I used to be in became theirs. I didn’t mind, however it felt a little uncomfortable. Their precious son, Shay lived in my daughter’s room growing up. A lot of changes in the house were done by my Wasband and his decorator. More of a man’s taste. Everything was changed. But, I felt good to be in my house again. The one thing I didn’t like was that I was put in the lower level. Kind of like Cinderella. The Wasband made me a beautiful area. I had a bedroom, bathroom, sitting area and a coffee bar. I could decorate it anyway I wanted. How sweet of him! I was still Cinderella. I felt very lonely and anxious. I did reach out to friends uptown and made plans but I felt so dependent on my daughter who was going through her own stuff . Still, she always was and still is there for me. She cooked for me and included me in their lives. My son-in-law is the best; there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me! They both were so respectful of me. The only thing they couldn’t do is cure me! I know that sounds silly because there is no cure for MS or Parkinson’s but other than that, nothing was too much! I went on vacations with them to Shawn’s parent’s lake house in upstate NY. Moreover, my son in law’s parents were always so good to me and inviting. I even brought one of my best friends with me. They are two of the most understanding and accepting people I’ve ever met! They treated me like family and never had a negative comment towards me.
Then there is my first grandchild ￼ Shay who brings me joy and happiness when I am with him. He calls me Gamzey. He loves to come in my bed and watch his favorite shows with me. So, for a year, he came down to Gamzey’s room and made me smile from ear to ear.
I also had to move also because the Wasband wanted to sell the house. That was very hard for me. I wasn’t getting better and became my symptoms of PD and MS. It was very hard for me and overwhelmed me so much that my anxiety was full blown. When my anxiety flares up, so do my symptoms. I become so rigid, have lots of movement and balance issues along with becoming a victim of these illnesses. It’s like my fear takes over me and feels so debilitating. Crying was one of my releases. My bed was my comfort place. Everything hurt, including my heart. I felt paralyzed.
However, as my mom used to say, “this too shall pass).” And eventually it did. I did a lot of meditation. I tried to keep my mind quiet and be with my friends and family. A lot of deep breathing, yoga, and exercise also helped. PD is a very confusing disease. When I am happy, I feel free and without dis-ease. However, when I have anxiety, I can’t move. My muscles stiffen up, my tummy becomes so nauseated to the point of incapacitation and I feel an unexplainable lousy.
I felt so embarrassed, especially when I lost my gait and ran into people! What fun! Everybody thinks you are drunk! And they tell you too! Sometimes, the weakness in my arms and legs is so painful. So I just stay in bed. It’s the nature of the beast! But, life goes on and on and on. I go on and on too. The problem is that when I moved into the condo, I became so sad. I felt so alone. I learned something very interesting. When you are chronically sick, many of who you thought were friends run away from you! My thoughts about the friends that left could not accept me in my new normal. I can understand. It’s very hard for them to see me struggle, not be the “fun Barbie” that I use to be. I was up for anything. I was the last one at a party, I loved to dance until my feet were aching so bad that I had to stop and I loved to smile. I was a very social person. I loved to play golf and tennis and loved to travel. That all stopped. Now, I didn’t even know who I was! So, I understand how they felt. I felt that way too.
However, joy and happiness can be attained. I rise to the happy occasions of my children and family. My middle son, J, married the love of his life. And they had a beautiful baby boy Spencer. Joy, joy, joy!
Well, it’s late. Time to go to sleep. I have so much more to share. I’m really not tired but I’ll do a guided sleep meditation. That usually helps!! I will continue to blog more regularly.
- Today is a Tough Day
- Acceptance is The Key to my Happiness,
- The Missing Maestro
- What it feel like to have MS and Parkinson’s.