Living alone…

Having MS and Parkinson’s when you live alone can be very challenging. The past 6 months, this has been my life. I’m not use to being alone(without a man), and it poses a lot of upsets for me. I love to love and I love to be loved. It makes me feel safe, so me, without a significant other gets my mind thinking crazy thoughts. Some of the thoughts are, “what is wrong with me?”, “I’m not pretty enough.”, Why do I screw up so much?, or the biggy is “Nobody wants to be with me because of my dis-eases!”

Hugging is essential to my well-being. It contributes to my health, my self esteem, and my anxiety. I’m not getting many hugs these days so I go back to the negative thoughts. That doesn’t contribute to my well-being! So, you can imagine how I feel when I am alone. Anxiety creeps in and tears flow. I think because I’ve always been in relationships, I’ve neglected myself to the point of dependency. Not a good thing! And, Saturday nights when I’m alone is very hard for me. Thank god I have my daughter! I’m not saying my sons aren’t there for me, but my go to person is my daughter, Marni! I adore her husband Shawn, so he has to put up with me too!

They are the best! I’m always welcome in their home and now that she’s pregnant, I will be there even more! I can’t wait for my first grandchild! That does put a smile on my face!

Anyway, getting back to my crazy thoughts. How do I not believe that they are true. I’m always fearful of the future and I always look at my past saying, “if only I had said this or if only I did this, things would be better.” I’m learning through a lot of reading, research, therapy, and my Parkinson’s Recovery coach about “mindfulness.”

Mindfulness as John Kavat-Zinn puts it, “mindfulness is awareness, cultivated by paying attention in a sustained and particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally. It is one of the many forms of meditation….” “ Ultimately, I see mindfulness as a love affair—with life, with reality and imagination, with the beauty of your own being, with your heart and body and mind, and with the world.”

So, in essence, through daily meditation practice, we can live in the moment, not the past or the future. It’s a learning practice for me, but when I meditate it calms down my mind and lessens my anxiety. That is very good for healing, my general well-being, and brings me a sense of peace and happiness. The most important thing meditation does for me is tapping into my inner self. That helps and empowers me when I am alone.

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