I must say that I’ve learned so much about myself and who my friends really are. When people have a mental, emotional and/or physical illness, you really find out who has your back. The people who I thought really cared about me, have shown me a different side of them. People who I talk to every day and I thought cared about me as a friend, when they found out I had a progressive illness, they dropped off my radar. Maybe some forgot what love, compassion, caring, and understanding is. It’s very strange to me. I was very surprised how quickly they ran from me. They were close friends that I thought I had for life. I couldn’t understand why they did not approach me or call me anymore. They weren’t used to me the way I’ve become. I was labeled as sick, that I was disabled, that I couldn’t be me. The old me and the fun and crazy me; you know the girl that loves to dance and never left the clubs until they closed. You know, the girl that played tennis and play golf and racquetball and had to have fun and smiled all the time. Where did she go? My dear friends I love to be with just gave up on me or so I felt. I feel that it’s easy not to be there and then to be there. Maybe they feared they would have to take care of me. Maybe they felt I wasn’t fun anymore or flirtatious or dress or look the way I did before I was diagnosed with two progressive chronic illnesses. Let me explain to you. Trying to get all this is are not fun to have. They take away a lot of joy and bring a lot of fear into your life. They would feel different if they live even one day in the life that I wake up to every day.
It definitely hurts. I don’t want to have these diseases. I didn’t ask for these diseases. If I didn’t reach out to my friends to make plans, I don’t think I will be doing much. I love to be with people; my family, my friends, my closest dearest friends, I feel it’s hard for them to reach out to me; maybe they don’t know how to act or what to say to me. It just hurts!
I have so much fear that when I need someone, there won’t be anyone around for me. It’s very scary to live a life where you get up in the morning and you don’t know what you’re going to be like. You don’t know if you are weak and can’t walk or if you have enough strength in your muscles to even stand, if you’re gonna laugh or cry, or even if you think it’s going to be a great day!
Anyway, I just wanted you to realize that I love you and I’m still fun crazy Barbie. I just don’t wear spikes heels anymore! I don’t have a lot of balance now and I might walk into you, or bump into walls and doors. I might knock over a wine glass or a drinking glass or a plate and they shatter. You just have to remember that plastic is a good investment for you to have when I’m around! And just know that spilling things is very common for me. I’ve got bruises all over me from walking into odd things like doors, walls, windows and people!
Living with MS and Parkinson's Disease 